First Round Recap

The results of Round One (Part One) of Monty's Fabulous Favorite Classic Movie Actress Tournament are in. Silent Era/1930s Bracket standings are as follows:

"They Had Faces"
#1.Greta Garbo def. #8.Anna May Wong, 79-13
#2.Mary Pickford def. #7.Janet Gaynor, 47-45
#6.Gloria Swanson def. #3.Lillian Gish, 53-40
#4.Clara Bow def. #5.Louise Brooks, 50-43

"Tough Broads and Pre-Code Babes"
#1.Barbara Stanwyck def. #8.Miriam Hopkins, 82-16
#2.Marlene Dietrich def. #7.Elsa Lanchester, 70-27
#3.Joan Crawford def. #6.Norma Shearer, 53 43
#4.Claudette Colbert def. #5.Mary Astor, 73-25

The most intriguing match-up of the first round, a clash between M-G-M divas Joan Crawford and Norma Shearer, turned into a comfortable win for the former. "I guess for once, it didn't help that she sleeps with the boss," Crawford quipped.

Of the other "Tough Broads and Pre-Code Babes," Barbara Stanwyck, Marlene Dietrich and Claudette Colbert all won as predicted. None of those contests (against Miriam Hopkins, Elsa Lanchester and Mary Astor, respectively) were close.

Surprisingly, the tightest contest of the entire first round turned out to be the one between silent superstar Mary Pickford and the first Oscar-winning actress, Janet Gaynor. The lead seesawed back and forth for three days, and Gaynor was actually ahead 45-44 with two hours to go. Then Pickford tallied three late votes and pulled out the match, 47-45.

After the results became official, Pickford breathed a sigh of relief, as did the four beagle puppies she had threatened to eat if she lost the contest. "I figured I'd go Italian—a nice puppy piccata, maybe. But what kind of wine do you drink with that? Red, I guess, although frankly, I've never thought of a dog as a meat dish. Fortunately, I won't have to make that decision."

After the press conference, she and husband Douglas Fairbanks retreated to their mansion, Pickfair, where they planned to eat a late supper—martinis and cheese crackers, not red wine and puppies—then sleep on a feather bed stuffed with thousand dollar bills. "It's not as soft as goose down," Fairbanks said, "but it gives me a great feeling of security."

Gaynor was predictably upset by the close loss and blamed purists among her own fan base—whom she spent most of her time placating rather than reaching out to moderate and independent voters—for the defeat. "All they want is red meat!" she snapped. "Red meat, red meat! How about a vegetable or a garden salad once in a while?"

"Hey, she could have been me," Anna May Wong said. "Greta Garbo crushed me like a bug, but you don't see me complaining."

Speaking of Garbo, she was a conspicuous no-show throughout the contest, waging her campaign through proxies such as ex-lover John Gilbert. "If it feels this good getting used," he shrugged, "you can keep on using me 'til you use me up."

Garbo will face Clara Bow in the next round, who despite her higher seeding professed surprise at outlasting Louise Brooks. "I thought she was a shoo-in to make the final four," she said, "especially when that crazy Mexican singer, Henri what's-his-name, endorsed her. But I guess people felt like I was somebody they could tell their troubles to."

Brooks was as indifferent to her defeat as she had been to her career and explained the loss this way: "I have a gift for enraging people. But if I ever bore you," she added, "it'll be with a knife."

The higher seeded actress won most of the contests in Round One (Part One)—with a few notable exceptions. As in real life, the 1960s was the most volatile decade, with three upset wins: Susannah York edged Liv Ullmann, 31-28, Claudia Cardinale won an equally close contest over Brigette Bardot, 33-30, and Anne Bancroft hammered Romy Schneider, 45-23. In the 1940s bracket, Gene Tierney edged Oscar-winner Greer Garson in a tight contest, 40-35.

There were no upsets in the 1950s bracket.

Afterwards, Bancroft declined to comment, but her husband Mel Brooks said simply, "She should have been the higher seed all along. Not only was she the finest actress of her generation, not only did she win an Oscar, but she could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon—two coats!"

Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson!

In the Silent Era/1930s bracket, despite some close races, the only higher-seeded actress to lose was silent legend Lillian Gish, who fell to Gloria Swanson. "Gloria spanked me," Gish admitted. "Literally, with a ping-pong paddle. She's mean."