Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Wallace Beery Attacks John Barrymore, Demands Award As Biggest Ham!

In an uncanny repeat of 1932's Oscar award ceremony, no sooner had John Barrymore been named "the greatest ham in movie history" at this year's Katie-Bar-the-Door Awards than Wallace Beery jumped on stage and insisted that it was he, not his Grand Hotel co-star, who was the greatest ham actor of all time.

"You are not a ham," Beery growled as he beat Barrymore about the head and neck with—inexplicably—a rotary dial telephone, "you are a drunk! There's a difference!"

"Dear boy," said Barrymore, " I most certainly am too a ham! You've never heard of a bourbon-glazed ham?"

"Glazed?!" spluttered Beery. "Try soaked, you rumhead!"

Some measure of order was restored when Academy president Conrad Nagel announced that Barrymore and Beery had
in fact tied for the honor. "There's plenty of chewable scenery in Hollywood to go around."

Panic set in, however, when it was learned William Shatner was in the house.

"Gangway!" yelled Beery as he muscled his way into the wings where the Emmy-winning star of Boston Legal was chowing down on the last of the set and starting in on the costumes.

"Cripes!" said Barrymore. "I better hurry—there won't be a morsel left!"

Sulking in the front row of the theater was a stunned Al Pacino. "Ham?" he muttered. "What am I? Chopped liver?"

12 comments:

Erik Beck said...

So glad my comment could inspire such a scene.

As for Pacino, I put him on that list with Christopher Walken, Tommy Lee Jones and John Malkovich, where the fine line between brilliant acting and over-the-top hamhock is often hard to see.

Mythical Monkey said...

I think there's definitely a difference between a good ham and a bad ham. A bad ham is just a bad actor mugging for the camera at the expense of the scene. A good ham is a highwire acrobat who adds just enough energy and unreality to the proceedings that he makes a scene come alive.

Beery, Barrymore, Shatner, Walken, Jones, Malkovich, Pacino -- all great hams for my money.

thingy said...

Ha! I love the Shatner poster and do agree that he could be a fine actor if he would just stop getting in the way.

What about Judy Garland?

Good ham or bad ham?

Mythical Monkey said...

What about Judy Garland?

Good ham or bad ham?


Oh, she was great. She strapped many a movie to her back and carried it the whole way.

I see a Katie Award in her future.

Lupner said...

Excellent point about the fine line between good and bad ham.

Speaking of Christopher Walken, recently re-watched one of his more wonderful understated performances in a film called 'Around the Bend'. It even includes a dancing scene, which is always a pleasure with Christopher W.

Love Judy G., looking forward to her Katie.

Mythical Monkey said...

I'll look for Around the Bend and Christopher Walken. You can never have enough Christopehr Walken.

More cowbell!

Uncle Tom said...

just do yourself a favor, if Walken offers you a watch, be sure to ask him where its been

Erik Beck said...

And probably best not to let him drive you to the airport.

Lupner said...

LOL Cowbell is the only prescription for that fever ...

There is nothing new about the story in 'Around the Bend', but I enjoyed his performance.

Who Am Us Anyway? said...

Lupner said: Christopher Walken! Dancing!

Herewith one of my favorite music videos of all time on account of it speaks directly to my oft-exhausted yet frequently disillusioned traveling self. You just can't fake this feeling. CW is a flatout genius if you ask me. Also one cool character. You just can't fake this stuff.

Mythical Monkey said...

That is fantastic -- you wouldn't think a person's joints could actually move that way. I smell a Katie Award somewhere in his future ...

Lupner said...

Applause, applause! Thank you, Who!! He is fan-bleedin'-tabulous.

(His dancing in 'Bend' is not quite that spectacular, but it's fun b/c he just kind of lets loose to a rock tune next to a campfire. And in the context of the film it's a cool scene.)