Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Your Favorite Pirate: Errol Fl—er—Douglas Fairbanks!

The results are in on the latest Monkey Poll: Douglas Fairbanks is your favorite swashbuckling movie pirate, besting Errol Flynn, 47-29.

Johnny Depp finished a distant third with 18 votes. Burt Lancaster received 7 votes, and Tyrone Power and "Other" received 4 each.

The 109 total votes cast was the most in Monkey Poll history, and Fairbanks's improbable comeback—he trailed Flynn by a wide margin a week ago—prompted immediate cries of monkey business.

"I just want to know how Douglas beat Errol," Thingy of Pondering Life complained. "I have made my protest known on Rotten Apples. Clearly some shenanigans in the works."

Blogger has had serious issues recently, with lost comments, disappearing posts and vanishing followers lists. The pirate poll itself exhibited strange fluctuations throughout the voting period, with 25 votes mysteriously lost at one point.

"Let there be no doubt, while I strongly disagree with the poll results," Flynn himself said early this morning in an interview conducted in my head, "I accept it. And tonight, for the sake of our unity as a people and the strength of our democracy, I offer my concession. Now I'm going to sit on this beach and boff every willing broad I can lay my hands on, so frak off."

Tyrone Power was less gracious. "You won't have Nixon to kick around anymore," he snapped before storming off the podium, "because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference." Though unclear from the context of his remarks, the assumption in the press room was that Power was referring to Cynthia Nixon whose last movie, Sex and the City 2, was a critical and commercial disaster.

As usual, though, it was Douglas Fairbanks with the last word.

"I was rich, handsome, and married to the most desirable woman in the world," he said. "That I was also once adored by millions of movie fans, and am evidently still adored by 47 discerning readers, cannot add to the happiness and satisfaction I already feel. But it doesn't hurt."

Postscript: Don't forget to participate in Monty's on-going Best Actor Tournament over at All Good Things!

18 comments:

Dawn said...

I'm very surprised that Douglas Fairbanks won over Errol Flynn.

Mythical Monkey said...

Me, too. Either we have a large contingent of silent movie fans here (possible, given how much I write about silent movies) or blogger's poll gadget has a glitch in it -- also a distinct possibility.

PrettyCleverFilmGal said...

Did you count the hanging chads? I might be more suspicious if it were Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. But come on, Doug Fairbanks was a fine pirate!

Jeanie Callaghan said...

They were both great.

Douglas Fairbanks said...

I wrote a long blistering comment, but showing the grace, humility, and class that I normally bring to these pages, I've edited it. And it was lost through an inadvertent cut-and-paste.

EFf all of you who doubted me. Shame on you. Let's see, any of the other four win, I shut up and take it, right? But I win, and suddenly, it's Fraud at Polls.


Nosirree, buster.

I won this thing fair and square. And, as I indicated in another comment, I am prepared to produce thirty names and email addresses (more than the votes for that fruit Flynn) of persons who voted for me.

We patiently waited, hearing about the "inevitable" Flynn victory, at a time when I hadn't even voted for myself. Being dead over eighty years can slow a man. Nor had the sleeping world of silent film fans awoken to make our views known.

I won't belabour this, but it's a shameful canard to suggest that Blogger glitches or hanky-panky played a part in my victory. I earned this, and by Gahd I'm gonna enjoy it.



Two down, millions to go.

Douglas Fairbanks said...

PS I find your imagined conversations entertaining. Why, the idea that Flynn limited himself to only the willing is a joke in itself.

PrettyCleverFilmGal said...

Hmm... me thinks the silent pirate doth protest too much.

Mythical Monkey said...

Why, the idea that Flynn limited himself to only the willing is a joke in itself.

When asked to respond to Douglas Fairbanks's quip, Flynn said coolly, "I was acquitted of those charges" then proceeded to cut the reporter to ribbons with a prop sword on hand from the filming of The Adventures of Robin Hood.

Mythical Monkey said...

If you would like, I will submit to the Mythical Monkey the names and email addresses of thirty persons who voted for me -- enough to defeat that no-talent hack Flynn.

I confess, I am one of those who voted for Douglas Fairbanks, but I would appreciate it if you didn't publish my email address on the internet ...

Douglas Fairbanks said...

I can now offer thirty-one addresses.

And thank you, sir.

mister muleboy said...

Mythical Monkey -- we've been friends a long time.

I value our friendship, and wouldn't jeopardize it for some stupid poll.

There really were no shenanigans.

Mythical Monkey said...

I value our friendship, and wouldn't jeopardize it for some stupid poll.

There really were no shenanigans.


Oh, it would never occur to me that you would. Any shenanigans would strictly be a result of some Blogger computer error.

You are a decent and honorable man.

Mostly, I think that since I've spent the last six months writing about silent movies, we have a disproportionate number of silent film fans on board. If Imdb had conducted the same poll, Johnny Depp would have won hands-down, and if my mother were the only one voting, Tyrone Power would have won 1-0.

If Barbara Streisand were conducting the poll, she would have won. Or at least tied Katharine Hepburn.

But for my own person amusement, it was fun to write what was essentially a parody of the 2000 election.

Erik Beck said...

I feel the need to point out that The Black Pirate starring Mr. Fairbanks is available in Watch Instantly on Netflix.

That said, I changed from Flynn to Lancaster because I was so dismayed at the time that Lancaster had no votes.

Douglas Fairbanks said...

Mr. Beck -- I originally voted for Lancaster, at that time lauding him for his performances. I thought I was generous and charitable.

I later concluded that I was neither, and voted for myself.

And asked other fans to vote.

In a shameless campaign . . . .

whistlingypsy said...

As a big fan of Douglas Fairbanks, Sr. I contributed my vote for his superior "piratical" skills, but I'm still amazed he won. I'm also a bit confused over Mr. Flynn's combined usage of "coital" related terms. I was only recently introduced to the term "frak" through your efforts to explore all elements of pop culture. Can you explain how Errol could use "boff" and "frak" in the same (elegantly) snarky comeback? Do you suppose he time traveled to the future and watched an episode of Battlestar Galactica, or does he follow your blog from the “after-ether”?

Mythical Monkey said...

Can you explain how Errol could use "boff" and "frak" in the same (elegantly) snarky comeback? Do you suppose he time traveled to the future and watched an episode of Battlestar Galactica, or does he follow your blog from the “after-ether”?

Battlestar Galactica has a big following in the afterlife.

Actually, I figure as long as their movies survive, the stars in them survive, somewhere, if only in my depths of my cerebral cortex. They hang out in a world with rotary dial telephones, train travel, hats, cigarettes and good, strong gin, but also with 46-inch flat screen televisions, instant streaming, civil rights and the Mythical Monkey on their blog roll.

Douglas Fairbanks said...

Actually, I figure as long as their movies survive, the stars in them survive, somewhere, if only in my depths of my cerebral cortex


Your cerebral cortex ?!?

Mythical Monkey said...

Your cerebral cortex ?!?

And you and Mary are keeping me awake at night. Pipe down!